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The Recollection Of Crankshaft

Chapter 3


Teleporters are interesting devices. When teleporting, you feel a slight tug for a moment, and then you find yourself at your destination. The technology behind the device is based on the concept of taking a point in space in one location, and dragging it to a point in space in another location. The effect is very much the same as the Ryuker technique, but using computers and the necessary mechanical components, the results can be much more exact, and as a result, pin-point locations can be teleported to, instead of just a generalized, familiar location, like, say, a deck on Pioneer 2.

The exact function of the teleporters is even more interesting, however. At some point in the history of our culture, a study of the technique of Ryuker was done, and it was found that it is indeed very similar to the archaic series of Gra techniques. The Gra series, however, has not yet been written to technique disks, as it is one of the most difficult series of techniques to learn, and even more difficult to describe, as it deals with the direct manipulation of gravity. A Force that manages to master the Gra series would not be far from mastering other neat techniques such as Telekinesis, which it is said, some varieties of Force did at one time have mastery of, not to mention the ability of Telepathy. Some old legends even speak of an order of Forces, the leader of which, at the end of his life span, would seal all of his memories in an artifact, so that the next generation of leadership could adopt them. This tradition may still exist, but I really can't say.

Oh yeah, I was explaining the Teleporters. All right, well, see, Ryuker is accomplished by more or less, causing a gravity spike between where you are, and where you want to go. It's quite localized, and there are actually a great variety of ways to do it. The Ryuker technique, relies mostly on the user's force of will, but telepipes use a broad spectrum of sound waves to accomplish the job. More telepipes now contain digital components that keep the gravity spike pointed at the location where it's going to go, however, a Telepipe can never lay a gravity spike where one end is in a vacuum. The actual teleporters, however, use the most efficient method.

The method that the teleporters use is powerful enough to send a party from one location at Point A, to another location at Point B as far as ninety thousand light-years away. There are two types of teleporters on the Pioneer 2. Personal teleporters, and the big teleporter. The difference between them, is the power source, but they still operate on the same principle. The method is to heat a number of spinning ceramic disks within a magnetic field, to generate a large amount of anti-gravity. This anti-gravity is then reflected into a spike to the destination, by a very sharp magnetic field. This happens all in an instant, as all that is needed is the gravity spike, so the occupants of the teleporter don't even feel it. Once the spike is made, the location in space is pulled to the teleporter, and the occupant of the teleporter is tugged to the other location in space. Once the teleporter has been cleared, the magnetic mirror is dropped, and the gravity spike is therefore destroyed.

So, tangent aside, back to business and down the straight and narrow, I got down on the surface of Ragol using this teleporter. The first thing to greet me was a butterfly floating about.  After a moment of flinching at it, I realized that it was harmless, so I marched onward.

Proceeding from the small room that I was in, onward through a laser gate, I came to a larger room, where three chubby yellow fowls fell from the sky, stood, and approached me. There were, in fact, quite cuddly-looking creatures, and they did in fact, seem to be quite friendly, as they were approaching me in a fashion that did very much reminded me of marshmallow peeps.

As they surrounded me, I had visions in my head of myself as the magical Rappy Master, with beams of holy light all around me, and as I kneeled down to pat the head of the one in front of me, my vision was suddenly shattered when the obscenely misguided thing jumped up and bit me. It BIT me! I suppose that this is the first important point I wanted to make about Ragol in this document. Ragol has these huge chubby birds that will BITE you! They BITE! They will peck and nibble you to death, if you let them!

My first reaction to this, was, of course, shock. If I were to wear contact lenses, they surely would've been ejected from my eyes when they popped halfway out of their sockets that day. So I just stayed there for a moment, kneeling, my eyes more open than I'd ever experienced them being open before (well, accept for maybe the time when I stuck my hand in my toaster and found something fuzzy in there, but that's a different story altogether), and finally, after a moment of this, I jumped and yelled something which was very likely some obscure obscenity that isn't necessarily existent in any known language other than perhaps the language of Holy-cow-oh-my-god-what-the-heck-was-that-I-don't-know-what-it-was-but-holy-cow-oh-my-god-that-actually-rather-hurts-like-some-obscene-thing-that-grabs-you-and-makes-you-feel-pain-for-a-while-because-it's-mean-and-it-friggin'-HURTS.

After that moment, I was playing golf, using my cane and some giant marshmallow peeps. Some jumping up and down, grunting and yelling ensued, but soon stopped as a group of very large dog-like creatures appeared. Savage wolves, indeed. To summarize what happened after they showed up, I ran around in circles while they chased me, until I eventually jumped a closed gate and found a teleporter to the next area of the forest. I sincerely hoped that the next area wouldn't be quite so hostile.

Much to my own dismay, I spent a good amount of time running around in circles again in this second area of the forest, which is indeed, a garden in front of the Central Dome. First, I ran in circles whilst trying to escape the wrath of giant bipedal gophers of DOOM. Then, I ran in circles whilst trying to escape the bite of giant basketball-sized vampire mosquitoes. The mosquitoes, however, I was able to subdue, after finding a group of devil-birds, and batting them at the mosquitos' nest. I also ran around in circles from more obscenely large dog-like things that wanted to eat me. Barbarous creatures, they are.

Soon enough, I found myself running from a massive fire-breathing ape of severe bruising, and I ran and ran and ran around in circles from this thing, screaming at the top of my lungs. Just as I thought I was going to be out of breath, though, something astounding happened. I ran into the back of the ape, and promptly fell over. As I looked up, the monster wobbled, and fell forward. Evidently, I had made it dizzy.

Wasting no time, I jumped up and posed dramatically for a moment, before taking my mighty cane, and jumping up and down on the monster, occasionally thunking it on the head. I laughed maniacally, and yelled taunts consisting of things along the lines of, "Ha-HA! And you thought I was just running away! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! This was my plan all along!! Joo will phear the wrath of Crankshaft The Almighty!!!"

I soon moved to just thunk it on the head from in front, and laughing maniacally, but this was slowed to a gradual stop, followed by a loud gulp, as the beast lifted itself from the ground, and looked at me. I wiped mud from its fur and said, "Isn't that a lovely coat you have there? I have one just like it, at home. Wonderful designer brand, I think. Isn't... it?" Thus, running in circles and screaming was re-commenced, until I was snatched from the ground and waved around in the air, as the thing howled.

For a moment, I thought I was doomed to have my head slammed and rubbed into the ground like a king-sized crayon in the hands of some deranged giant toddler. Luckily for me, however, a ranger-type person just happened by and blew a hole in the beast the size of a watermelon.

He was a goateed man. Blue head band. His blue garb reminded me of some military-type person. I looked at his very large handgun, and determined that he must have been a RAmar. He approached me, and helped me up out of the thing's hand. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I looked at him for a moment, then manually checked to make sure that everything was in the right place, and promptly nodded, "Yes. Everything seems to be in working order."

"Good," he said. "First time down here?"

"Nah, nah, I come down here once a week to get a work out. See, I had that blasted horned giant monkey right where I wanted him when you came in," I replied.

He looked at me strangely. "Then... You were trying to commit assisted suicide?"

This I had no answer to, so I just made a strange face.

"Anyway, I heard screams, so I came to help."

In a valiant attempt to salvage my pride, without missing a beat, I said, "Those were the screams of my female traveling companion."

The ranger looked around, then back at me and said, "Then... Where is she?"

Another quick reply was necessary to maintain my poor cover, "The thing ate her."

The ranger looked at me funny then replied, "The Hildebear ate her?"

"Yes. The Hildebear ate her."

"And that's why you were screaming when I came in?"

"Well, no, I was screaming the whole time because I was being chased around in circles by a rabid moose-ape that wanted to fold me into a mangled pretzel and wear me as a hat."

"Ugh... You certainly need help. Why were you running from it? Surely you at least know Foie," he said. He confused me.

"Foie?" I asked. Hey, I teach Mechanical Physics, not Technical Physics. Honestly, I've never even so much as set foot in Laya's classroom.

The ranger smacked himself on the headband. "All right, all right... You clearly need help. This is your first time down here, after all."

I jumped at the chance to jump at his assumption. "HA!" I said, "How do YOU know that this is my first time on the surface of Ragol?!? I DID tell you that I come down here often for a workout, did I not??"

Always the ranger, this RAmar had a quick comeback. "Well, my dear Watson, the first clue was the platform shoe prints in the moss on the sides of the rocks, where you escaped from the Boomas and wolves. More importantly, there was when I got up here and found you desperately screaming for your life, being swung around in the air by a Hildebear. Plus, a guy as loosely built and otherwise gangly as yourself obviously doesn't get much workout time. You're quick to come up with a reply to insist your rightness, no matter how wrong you may be, so I would guess that you're probably a college professor."

I wanted to reply to this, but alas, his ranger-logic was correct. After opening my mouth to speak, and pointing a finger in his face for a moment, I backed away, and instead offered my hand for a handshake and said, "My name is Professor Crankshaft R. Differential."

Given that, he took my hand and replied, "They call me VanGarrett." We shook hands, then I quickly turned around and took a few steps, only to find myself in a teleporter.

Looking down at my personal terminal, I said, "Oh, inside the Central Dome... I wouldn't mind taking a tour."

As I reached to hit the button, I heard VanGarrett dive in with me and yell, "Noooooo!!!!" Alas, to my misfortune, I didn't comprehend his intentions until I found myself looking at a terrible fire lizard. Though technically a wyvern, this thing was considered to be a dragon for its sheer size and ferociousness.

"What the heck is that thing??" I yelled, terrified. I nearly soiled my pants. I was personally threatened by a Hildebear, and now THIS thing.

"Well," VanGarrett said, "Though it's technically a wyvern, this thing is considered to be a dragon for its sheer size and ferociousness. No one's really determined how it got in here, but supposedly there's a whole colony in the Central Dome. Now RUN!!"

We split off, he went left and I went right. Or maybe I went right and he went left. It doesn't matter, he went one way and I went the other. With a series of jumps and screams, I managed to avoid being hit directly by its talent of breathing fire. I was frightened.

VanGarrett yelled at me, "Crankshaft!! Go smack its ankle once or twice with your cane! Prod it really well right at the joint!"

With a grunt, I complied, and dramatically run at it from the side, while he shot at it, providing a distraction. As per VanGarrett's instructions, I jammed the skinny end of my cane into its ankle, and realized that if I could lodge it in between the bones, I'd have a crude lever to really mess it up with. As such, I did. The dragon squeaked, and I pushed it up, until the dragon fell over, and VanGarrett started pounding away at its head with his gun.

I started to charge at its head to triumphantly stomp and jump up and down on it, but VanGarrett yelled at me. "No!" he said, "Don't get up there! You've done your part! Now just hang back and don't get killed!"

My next reply was, "What did you say?" At which point, the dragon jumped into the air, just as VanGarrett got in one last fatal blow, and the dragon consequently fell on top of me.

When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed. I felt okay, though more or less like I'd had a dragon fall on me, and I spent the next several hours being healed at a hospital. My thought at that moment was, "Hey! I'm in a hospital! Where're the hot nurses??" So naturally, I started looking around and drooling. I didn't notice any nurses right off, but I did notice Laya. "Oh!" I said, "Laya! Sorry, I was expecting to see a hot nurse. Am I drooling?"

Laya got up, approached me, and I was expecting to get to study her knuckles again. "You are lucky, Fender, that they found my BEE address on the back of a picture of myself in your pocket."

I stared at her blankly for a moment. I remember thinking that it was too bad that I hadn't gotten to see any nurses yet, but on the other hand, seeing Laya being so friendly was a reasonable consolation. I considered what it would like to see both a nurse as well as Laya. "I wonder," I said, "What you would look like in a nurse's uniform?"

My next interior monolog consisted of something to the effect of, "Those are the knuckles of a woman who is very gentle inside."

Fortunately, I just happened to be in a hospital, so all was well. When I woke up again, there was a nurse standing next to me, filling out some manner of paperwork stuck to a clipboard. She soon hung it up on a hook next to the bed, and looked at me. She told me, "Your friend seemed rather aggravated when she left."

"Yeah. She always takes my compliments the wrong way. So am I ready to leave?"

"You sure are. Just so you know, the ranger that brought you in has already paid for your stay."

"Woohoo!"

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